*this is me at 26. I am 35 now. I don’t look like this anymore. Really wish I did. She did some silly things, this version of myself. She didn’t think herself beautiful, either.
Hello world. My name is Heidi. Welcome to my blog. I am excited to have you here, reading the ramblings of my untethered mind.
I thought a good starting point would be to explain (justify?) the name of the blog.
“Heidi’s eyes”
I went back and forth on the name.
“HeidiHeals” was on the list. Catchy… but quiet specific and therefore limiting.
I WILL be writing about healing (my healing journey, the importance of healing on a global scale…etc) It is right at the top of my list of special interests. I spend a good amount of my time thinking/reading about and researching various healing modalities, not to mention my ever evolving yogic/spiritual practice. All of this and more shall I write about. But I wanted to avoid limiting myself to one topic.
I have many special interests and am pretty opinionated, for a mostly uneducated small town gal… gotta keep the playing field wide open.
Another option was “aspie eyes…” As in…the world as seen through the eyes of an aspie. This Aspie. I am an aspie, incase this wasn’t clear.
*side note: Aspie=aspergers, is an outdated nickname for someone with high functioning autism. It might no longer be scientifically/ politically correct, but it’s pretty cute, my ear likes the sound of it. (Holocaust origins aside…)
*Side note to my side note: There will be alot of side notes, my ADD brain will not be held to one topic for long. (Unless I am in the passionate throws of newfound special interest in which case I will hyperfocus on said topic incessantly and annoyingly while the rest of my life falls into a state of neglected disrepair. But this is a topic for another post.)
I digress...
In the end, “aspie eyes” didn’t make the cut either, and not only for the sake of political correctness.
I am more than just my autism.
I am also self aware. I am also expansive. I am also a very large ego. I would prefer my readers not think of me as just one thing. I, (like so many of us) am many things. My mind is only one part of 3. Body mind and spirit. The human truine.
My mind and body may have high functioning autism, but my spirit is very much free of any disability. Spirit sometimes speaks louder than ego, maybe we’ll be lucky enough to hear from her along the way.
“Deranged mother of twins” was another option…
JK. It was never an option. But now you know two more things about me:
- I am a mother to twins boys.
- I am slightly deranged. But only at the best of times. (Thank you CPTSD)
This will be another topic of discussion for the blog. Life as an autistic/ADD/CPTSD mom to twin boys in a mostly post (but still slightly) colonial country.
Malawi. Africa’s warm heart. Where goods and utilities cost a fortune but human labour is (relatively) cheap. Pretty disgusting…but also convenient.
(please forgive the dark and ironic sense of humour. My heart is not stone. I feel very deeply for the plight of the impoverished Malawian. Another topic of discussion for future posts)
I believe in my heart that God brought me here and then gave me children. He was like…“this girl needs help.”
If I’d been forced to raise my boys in a place where child raising support and assisted homecare were not affordable (like 98% of the planet) I would’ve been either in a straight jacket or dead by now. I am not saying this to be dramatic. I am disabled by my CPTSD/ADD/ AUTISM. I could not have raised my boys in a healthy way without support. I feel alot of guilt and shame about this. I need to be constantly reminding myself…”it is not your fault Heidi. Trauma did this to your brain. You are doing everything you can to heal. it is NOT your fault.”
Jokes aside, it is my opinion that would be parents are vetted for mental health/personality disorders and then provided with appropriate counselling services before the birth of the child, as well as any necessary post birth support.
These children are after all, the next generation of humans. Can our governments get on board to ensure that they will not be as traumatized by their upbringing as the generation before were?
We are talking about the mental evolution of our species here.
Are we leaving the future generations to be raised by mentally unstable parents who are stressed and pushed to breaking point…no time for themselves let alone to foster a healthy relationship with their children….hamsters on the capitalist wheel that never stops spinning(barring a global pandemic)…eeking out a meagre living only just sufficient to sustain the exhausted increasingly mentally unstable hamster on his never ending journey through consumerist hell…and the wheel goes round and round and we are ever so grateful for the confines of our cages…and round and round…aren’t we ever so grateful to not be out on the streets…round and round…
I have gotten off track. HOOSAAAAH.(rubs ears to self soothe…)
Back on topic.
“Yearning Yogi” WAS on the list (the brand name of my yoga business….shameless marketing ploy in action)
Yoga shares top spot with “healing” on my list of special interests, and in my mind and experience, the two are inseparable.
You cannot help but begin to heal ( which is also an expansion of consciousness just BTW and FYI) when you begin a consistent yoga practice. Even for people (like me) who pursued yoga purely for vanity. ( those slim and firm yoga bodies triggered the green eyed monster in my then food and alcohol addicted manic depressive self)
It didn’t matter to Yoga.
A few weeks of consistent practice and I was all but freed of the ego desire for headstand grandeur. I found myself gravitating towards pursuits of Self awareness, ego mastery ,expansion of consciousness, and healing.
Slowly slowly (pongolo pongolo, as we say in Malawi) vanity became background noise.
7 years later, and I can honestly say that the health of the body/mind connection is far more important to me than a slim waist or a nice plump bum.
*Side note: I have both of these things, thanks to yoga…but they are no longer important to me. God has a great sense of humor, doesn’t She?
“Heidi’s eyes” is what I settled on.
Life as seen through the eyes of a once traumatized autistic girl, from conservative nowhere, blessed by God/the universe with a new life where she’d be given the opportunity to heal, to learn, to grow, to create and to share what she’d learned with the world.
Ambiguous but descriptive. I got me some wiggle room. Just the way I like it.
I look forward to taking this journey with you.
Thank you for reading.
Namaste y’all.